Mary Sue, The Untold Parody
by Shontelle J. Wright
Summary: It's a Mary-Sue parody again. But have you heard the true story?
1. Aboard the Hogwarts Express

**Author's Notes:** This is my first time writing a fanfiction. I'm not requesting for you to be kinder to me or anything, but just give me a chance, even though you've probably read about a thousand of these Mary-Sue trashing fanfictions. Okay, now that the serious note is gone, please do not hesitate to review! I have decided to present my story in a play format. I hope I have not made the Harry Potter characters sound too... out of character! Also, for those people whose names have been written in (Mary-Sue's long and well... _unique_ name), no offence!

Enjoy, I present to you "Mary-Sue, the untold parody"! :D

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or any of the references made to "My Immortal" by a (possible) troll author, Tara Gilesbie. Or Facebook, for that matter. :D

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_Setting: Hogwarts Express_

_**[SCENE 1- ABOARD THE MARY-SUE, I MEAN, HOGWARTS EXPRESS]**_

_[Lights on]_

_The trio are in place, innocently sitting inside a compartment. Harry is staring out of the window, Hermione is reading a book and Ron is eating some chocolate frogs._

**NARRATOR**

And on this ghastly day, our trio is happily seated in a train compartment, awaiting another year at Hogwarts. They seem unaware of the danger that lurks in the arrival of this new year. What will it be?

**RON**

We're still alive, you know.

**HERMIONE**

Oh Ron, hush! I'm trying to read here. And you, there. Would you stop narrating?

**NARRATOR**_ [waving hands around]_

Oh, but I was supposed to narrate, or it would really be a waste of a name wouldn't it?

**HARRY**

Hermione, Ron, just let her continue.

**NARRATOR**

Oh, thank you! Now as we speak, a dark evil is approaching-

_RON snorts._

**NARRATOR**

_Ahem._ As I continue, a girl pushes the sliding door of the compartment gently.

_A girl does push the compartment door open. She stares around at the trio._

**NARRATOR**

She was no ordinary girl. Indeed, with her- _[turns to author] how do you expect me to spit out this crap! _

**AUTHOR**

I can make you wear a tutu, a clown's nose and rabbit ears and then post it on Facebook.

**NARRATOR**

Oh, fine. Now, ignoring the threat from the author, we continue with the mindless description of the girl. With her flaxen hair that curled beautifully to her waist and her entrancing violet eyes, she captured the attention of no one. But she was so mesmerizing and beautiful, her lips were red and luscious, her figure full and her movement lithe, she still drew no one's attention. Her eyelashes batted helplessly as she drew her plump lips to an "aww"-worthy pout. Tears threatened to roll down her rosy cheeks and she raised a perfectly-manicured hand to her full bosom.

**MARY-SUE CAITLIN- oh whatever she was called.**

Oh, please do help me! My name, by the way, is Mary-Sue Caitlin Sharon Kathy Theresa Brenna Celyn Corinne Eithne Flannery Gemma Ilona Kai Linnea Maeve Eversparkle! But you may call me Mary-Sue for short.

**NARRATOR**

At the sound of her name, the trio stared at her in shock and recognition. It was a _wonder_ she did not die of saying her own ridiculously-long name. What a pity.

**HERMIONE**

You're one of them. I've read about your species in the books!

**MARY-SUE**

Oh, my best friend 'Mi! How you do adore looking through those thick-paged books! Oh, what queer terms you use, I am a witch, like you! But oh, I do need help!

**HERMIONE**

My name is not 'Mi and I have never met you before.

_[in subdued voices, to RON and HARRY]_

She's a Mary-Sue!

**MARY-SUE**

Oh, I have been blessed with the talents to be able to hear anything even from a few thousand miles away if I wish to! And my skin, it's so flawless and smooth-so pale white and icy cold! Oh, my Grecian nose and cherry-blossom-like lips, oh it is such a torture! Not to mention those pair of colour-changing eyes! They change colour at my every will!

_[dramatic fainting]_

Oh, what a horrible thing! Oh, how I wish I was never stained with such a curse! I hate how ugly I look even though I've got such a full figure and such long, stick-thin legs! Oh, oh, oh! And I dress like a 'goddess', with such curve-hugging clothes and black eyeliner, oh, I should just convert to Satanism, even though I am too pure and too innocent to convert to that religion!

But of course, I need your help, that is why I arrived in the first place!

**NARRATOR**_[yawns]_

Ahhhh, so now she stops. Good grief. But as you know, in a Mary-Sue story, the boys are always smitten with Mary-Sue. Such is the case with Ron. But because they are the golden trio, so they do not worship the ground she steps on. Well, such is not the case with every story I've read... _[shudders]_ I do hope Hermione knocks the sense into him though.

**RON**

Oh, we'd be pleased to help you!

_[catches the dirty look from HERMIONE]_

Um, just so you can get out of here fast.

**MARY-SUE**

I need to find a compartment to sit in!

**HARRY**

Not ours!

**MARY-SUE**

Oh, but Harry, you are supposed to be smitten with me, to look at me with those love-sick eyes! What has happened to you! Oh, but won't you save a damsel in distress?

_MARY-SUE attempts to kiss HARRY._

**HERMIONE**

Look, just keep quiet and stop sexually-harassing Harry. I really need to read this book. Harry, won't you allow her to sit there so that we can have some peace?

**NARRATOR**

So then Mary-Sue shoved her ten piece luggage onto Ron and spent the whole train ride staring (or perhaps trying to enchant him) at Harry. He shot a helpless look at Hermione, who only told him to wait till they arrived at Hogwarts. Poor Harry-he may not be able to last all the way then...

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What do you think of this?

Please do not hesitate to review! Thank you :D

-Shontelle J. Wright


	2. Sorting 2A

_****__**Author's ramblings:** _Okay, so this chapter will not be the all about the sorting. The sorting will take place perhaps two chapters later...? Because we've always been seeing from our own point of view about how-well, Mary-Sueish the Mary-Sue is. Next chapter, will be the Mary-Sue's monologue. I'll leave you to judge till then.

Disclaimer: This is called Fanfiction for a purpose, my dears. If I owned Harry Potter, I'd be raking in millions and not be sitting here typing fanfiction, would I?

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_**[SCENE 2A-FOR THE SORTING]**_

_[Lights on]_

**RON**

Blimey, err, Mary-Sue-

**MARY-SUE** _[batting eyelashes flirtatiously]_

Oh, yes?

**RON**

I just wondered... you're the same age as us, and yet...?

**MARY-SUE**

That's-well, that's because I was a transfer student from America. And I'm Professor Dumbledore's granddaughter! And Professor Snape's goddaughter, a long distance relative of Professor McGonagall. It is rather-well- _[realises that no one is listening]_ And I am supposed to be here to defeat Voldemort!

**NARRATOR**

Ah, here I am, is it? Well, no one really paid any attention to the Mary-Sue, except Hermione who was constantly 'tutting', but perhaps that could be due to her urge to correct Mary-Sue. So Mary-Sue continued rattling about-

**MARY-SUE**

I do _not_ 'rattle'! I articulate my words with a sultry/enchanting/melodious French accent.

**NARRATOR**

Oh, whatever. Moving on, they finally reached Hogwarts, where they got off at the station and were led by Hagrid to the Thestrals. As it was their fourth year, they could not see them. However, Mary-Sue with the horrible and pitiful past could. She had been forced to witness people dying because of her Mary-Sueishness and her father killing her sister.

**MARY-SUE**

Oh, I shall tell everyone of my sad, tragic, pitiful, terrible, horrible, depressing and miserable past! It was such a torture-

**HARRY**

To listen to you speak.

**MARY-SUE**

And I was such a beauty! My father was a drinker and he often abused us. Well, not me-I was too pretty. But one day, as I saw him trying to stab my sister-she was not blessed with well-curves and sparkling hair or even the most simple grace that I had! Well, being the heroic heroine I was, I leapt gracefully/elegantly across the room and pleaded with him not to harm my sister. Despite the tears that flowed down my rosy cheeks-I was still pretty, of course, even with reddened, puffy eyes-he was unable to stop himself in time and-

**HERMIONE**

-And you died of his repeated stabbings. Or perhaps he died gloriously in his task to cleanse the world of just one more Mary-Sue.

**MARY-SUE**

Oh, 'Mi, how you do understand my story! But he did scar me on the right arm, not before letting guilt bury him. And-he was so overcome with the fact that he had scarred his angelic, goddess-of-a-daughter- he committed suicide! Oh, my father, my father!

_MARY-SUE is now sobbing, RON reaches out awkwardly to pat her back._

**NARRATOR**

But even so, the Thestrals that were pulling their carriage got so annoyed that it kicked Mary-Sue. The trio, ignoring Mary-Sue, went up the carriage and left Mary-Sue to wallow in misery in the mud.

**HERMIONE**

Oh gosh, a Mary-Sue! I'd never thought we'd be so unlucky to ever meet one of these. They are extremely dangerous and they often seek world-domination, with horrible grammar and useless description of themselves. It has been said that it is very difficult to kill one of them-you may be infected with the Mary-Sue disease (if you are a girl) or the Gary-Stu disease. I need to visit the library later again. Perhaps there may be some way to turn this girl back to normal.

**HARRY**

I hope Professor Dumbledore knows how to defeat them, then.

**HERMIONE**

We need to be more careful around them! There's no telling if more of them will come up! Especially you, Ron.

_HERMIONE throws RON a dirty look._

**RON **_[wipes his drool off his chin]_

Oh. You were saying?

**HERMIONE **_[looking disgusted]_

Ron! Pay attention, stop daydreaming about that Mary-Sue girl! She may cause us all to change our characteristics and may pair us up with other people that we have never met of hate! Yes, she may make you kiss a spider!

**RON** _[shudders]_

Bloody Hell!

**HARRY**

But how did Mary-Sue come about?

**HERMIONE**

Well, it's a long story. Mary-Sues are created by writers who wish to insert themselves into our fandom. Either that or they want a happy ending with one of the characters.

Usually, they target the main characters so I'd advise you to be careful, Harry.

**RON** _[faltering]_

B-but, what's wrong with non-main characters? I mean, I _am_ a main character, right?

_HERMIONE sighs._

**NARRATOR**

Because the author is too lazy to describe the whole process, they arrived at Hogwarts. They saw Mary-Sue seated at the chair and the hat about to be placed above her head.

_[Lights off]_

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Please comment/provide constructive criticism! Thank you :D

Shontelle J. Wright


	3. Monologue

_****__**Author's Ramblings:** _Hello :D Okay, so this is still not the sorting. The next chapter will be the sorting. Until then, you may want to read this monologue through and decide for yourselves if Mary-Sue is telling the truth or merely trying to draw attention to her pitiful state?

Disclaimer: No, I do not own Harry Potter.

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_**[SCENE 2B-MONOLOGUE]**_

**NARRATOR**

We will begin with a little monologue by Mary-Sue. All these while, we've been seeing Mary-Sues as horrible disasters of the written art. But do we have the right to actually criticize them?

_[A spotlight focuses on MARY-SUE]_

**MARY-SUE** _[in a girlish voice]_

Oh, hi! I'm sure you do know me as Mary-Sue.

_[her voice turns hard and bitter]_

Come to think of it, that's all you know, isn't it? Oh yes, you don't even bother remembering my name. Of course, a Mary-Sue is bad luck, isn't she? A taboo in the writing world?

But what do you know of me to even have the right to dismiss me?

What right do you have?

_[pauses]_

Exactly, none. I'll tell you about me, then.

My creator was Aurelia. Aurelia was a little girl, ten, no doubt. Yes, a foolish little girl. Weren't all us girls at that time foolish? Back to Aurelia. She was like any other normal ten-year-old girl, full of freckles, frizzy hair all day long. And she was a little plump. But that's another matter. Aurelia was different from other girls, because she was still innocent and naive. It was a wonder she could keep believing in fairytales and happy endings.

She was content with such simple and humble endings. She believed that she would get her happy ending as well, like those princesses. She read Harry Potter, got a little obsessed with it, what with the magic, all that! She was excited. So, innocent little Aurelia wanted to get her happily-ever-after with Harry Potter. Oh, but no. You guys had to come right in at her and define beauty.

Aurelia was beautiful. I knew that, because all the times she was writing me out, I saw her doe-like eyes, her cute little dimples and warm brown eyes.

But no, you influenced her thinking. What was beauty?

Beauty meant that you had to be flawless, that you had to be _perfect_.

So she thought about it and reasoned with herself.

"After all, people can't fall in love with another person if they're not perfect, right? Harry Potter is a hero, he can't just fall in love with imperfect me, right?"

But she still wanted her happily-ever-after. Since she could not change herself into a perfect girl, she imagined herself to be perfect. She imagined herself in another body, a better one. She made up reasons why she would be there.

"After all, people like people who are perfect, right?"

_[she snorts, gives a crude laugh.]_

And then, she started penning it down. She started creating her own story. She was patient, she wanted a build-up, like in Harry Potter. There were evidences that fell on top of each other to create a platform for the ending. She started editing.

And that was when I appeared.

Aurelia didn't like her name, even though it sounded very elegant. No, she wanted to be named a thousand other things. So then, she thought,

"Why not combine them all? They could be the middle names or something! After all, there are no rules out there, are there?"

_[she shakes her head, chuckling bitterly]_

That was when I appeared. Aurelia had painstakingly drawn up a character profile for me. She decided on my age, my hobbies, my likes and dislikes. She wanted me to be real. She poured out every single bit of heart and soul into creating me. In the end, she was satisfied. I was perfect. I was everything she wanted to be.

So she thought that she could finally get her happily-ever-after.

And she just had to stumble across fanfiction.

She wanted to get recognition, perhaps constructive criticism? Perhaps there was a point or two that she missed, to getting her happily-ever-after? So she signed up for a membership and uploaded the story.

Few hours later, she was stunned.

So many, so _many_ hate mails. So many reviewers, _anonymous, of course_, had flamed her story. They called me a Mary-Sue. That term sounded so harsh, cruel in their capital letters, she could picture them being articulated by faceless people.

Faceless cowards.

That whole day, she cried. I knew she cried, because as she continued to type the story, her fingers trembled and she kept missing all the keys.

It hurt me.

Such an innocent and pure angel, her delicate and fragile dreams crashed. Her hopes were dashed into a thousand little pieces.

Irretrievable.

She didn't dare to publish more of the story. She continued, though, writing them in secret.

You cowards, you scums, you broke her. You cracked the heart of a little angel. Your words, your hurtful and evil words, the drilled holes into her hearts.

They made her cry.

I tell you, you aren't even worth her tears.

Who are you to judge? Who are you to judge?

_[Lights out]_

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__I wrote this, still wondering if someone did write a Mary-Sue fic because they were really that innocent and idealistic. I know for a fact that I once did. This is just to explore more into the setting behind a Mary-Sue fic.

Hope you enjoyed :D

Shontelle J. Wright


	4. Sorting 2C

_**Author's Ramblings:**_This starts as a continuation from chapter... 2? Well, I hope you enjoy it! =3= Y U NO REVIEW MAI STORY? I tell you, if I don't get 5 good reviows, I will not update! Oh gosh, I'm starting to sound like those Suethors, am I? *laughs* Hope you enjoy. Mary-Sue is going to start on about her perfectness. Maybe she'll become Head Girl? Hmm, I do wonder what house she'll be in! I pretty much wanted a sob story... but oh, well. Let's have fun~ Maybe I might make one...?

**Disclaimer:**No, I don't own Harry Potter. I'm pretty sure that my name is not J.K. Rowling, nor am I blonde, nor do I stay in Britain, thank you very much.

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_**[SCENE 2C-SORTING]**_

_[Lights on]_

_MARY-SUE is seated on the ridiculously small chair, showing off her pale long legs. The HAT is about to be placed on her head._

**NARRATOR**

Mary Sue is about to be sorted, why she wasn't nervous at all. Because she knew of her- wait, this scene is to be told from _her_ point of view?

**MARY-SUE **_[giggling]_

Why, yes. I was nervous, of course. Who wouldn't? Even though I knew what was going to happen to me.

_[voice hardens]_

Aurelia wanted her happily-ever-after, but of course, you flamers never do stop, do you?

_[voice turns back to her usual soprano]_

Oh, I wonder, would I be sorted into Slytherin for my devious looks?

**HAT**

Oh, not another one of you again!

_[mumbling]_

Mary-Sues, the lot of them.

**MARY-SUE**

So what? Face it.

**HAT**

Oh gosh, I will say, in my defence that I was brainwashed by some unknown girl by the name of Aurelia.

**MARY-SUE**

She's an _author._

**HAT**

Not quite-but it is my job to sort you. _[sighs dramatically]_ Oh great. I see what my lines are, then? ALL HOUSES! Oh wait, I am supposed to describe how you're such a perfect little thing, am I? Well, well... let's see, you have sharp wits, are a pleasant learner, are often curious and studious, hardworking. Ravenclaw does suit you. You're also very loyal. Hufflepuff, that is. Oh yes, who could forget-your cunning traits and sly acts-Slytherin and the most clichéd one! Gryffindor for whatever Gryffindor traits there are-bravery, blah blah blah. So, here again-ALL HOUSES!

**NARRATOR**

And so...Mary-Sue leapt to her feet in a lady-like manner, but she stopped in her tracks, fortunately for the trio. She placed a manicured, slender finger to her luscious/full/plump/pouting lips. Her appearance was _so_ endearing/cute/adorable/lovely/pretty that it made all the boys and some girls drool. Even Professor Snape/Hooch/Dumbledore was drooling. Never mind the fact that Dumbledore was her grandfather. Well, wouldn't we like a little incest-nothing like a little incest to spice things up. But anyway, she strutted gracefully over to the Gryffindor table, unluckily(or perhaps luckily?) for the other Houses.

Will this be the end of it? I certainly hope so. And what kind of a name-I mean, were her parents drunk when they named her?

**MARY-SUE**

Aurelia was _ten,_ my dear. And that was insulting. But I am Mary-Sue after all, so I'll go ahead and forgive your rudeness-

**NARRATOR**

Hey-does that mean 'Aurelia' was your 'parent'? Tell me, who's the dad?

**MARY-SUE**

My _Dad_, committed suicide. _[pauses, then smirks]_ Oh, but of course, you'd like to hear about my lovely story-

**HARRY, HERMIONE and NARRATOR**

NO! STOP!

**MARY-SUE **_[whimpering, sobbing, piteous look on face]_

Oh, my father was such a fiend, but my mother was so greatly in love with him. She was Lily Evans, mind you-

**HARRY**

What?

**MARY-SUE**

And she really loved my father, but then she also fell in love with James Potter. I didn't really approve of it-but she couldn't stand my father anymore, despite how much love she felt for him. Then, she left us, still begging for my forgiveness. My father was engaged in such a horrible battle with himself, drinking, and drinking. But I could do nothing-I was _raped_. By my own father _[sobbing, prettily, of course]_! I attempted suicide, slitting my wrists, hence having all these scars on my wrists. But by some magical means, like a protection from my mother, they were healed. Did I mention I'm half-veela, an animagus-I registered, of course- a metamorphmagus, but I do like to retain my teal coloured eyes-

**HERMIONE **_[hissing]_

They were _violet_ a moment ago! Oh gosh, this is horrible. Metamorphmagus-they're really _rare_! And to mention the fact that she's half-veela!

**MARY-SUE**

But of course, I must say that I am also a parseltongue, one eighth mage, able to do wandless magic and my animagus form, oh there are over ten thousand forms! Like, cat, dog, guinea pigs, snakes, so on and so forth. But-_[instantly becomes tearful]_ Oh, it was so horrible! My father was so angry with my dearest sister- she was a whore, a slut, of course. She slept around with everyone and even with a monkey, but that's another matter. She told everybody I was a horrible person, insulted me, called me 'fat' and 'stupid' (little was she to know that my IQ was hundred times higher than Einstein's!). And she almost poisoned me to death! But I was so kind, so pure, so forgiving that I forgave all her misdeeds.

**NARRATOR**

And of course, all the boys-except Harry (he was still under the shock of the fact that Mary-Sue's mother was his as well)- were all symphatising with Mary-Sue and were all touched by her kindness.

**MARY-SUE**

Oh, forgive me, I tend to go on and on about how ugly I look even though I am perfect. So there, she made my father angry and he took the knife, meaning to kill her! But I loved my sister so much, much more than my _disgusting, ugly and worthless self_ that I shielded her from the attack. I got a horrible scar on my right hand. That was when my sister and my father decided to kill themselves. And I just stood there, paralysed. It was so _horrible_. All that _blood._ _[her eyes turn red]_ Did I mention I'm a direct descendant of Salazar Slytherin? Oh, Dumbledore was my grandfather, alright, although I don't exactly know how that fit in. But still, I'm _perfect_ and _awesome_ so it doesn't matter, does it?

And Harry, I am your half-sister! Let's kiss and make out. Oh, but we are half-siblings... Never mind that, a little incest does always spice things up! Or maybe I should go for Drakkie...

**HARRY**

Waait. What? You just insulted my mother-

**MARY-SUE**

Make that, _our_ mother.

**HARRY **_[disgusted]_

I will never acknowledge you!

**MARY-SUE**

All the better, don't you think? That way we can be in a fully legitimate relationship. Aww, that would cancel out all those secret meetings in the Room of Requirement and all those invisibility cloak adventures. But still, we could have a romantic affair out in the open, amongst the beautiful thickets of the forbidden forest-I do speak many languages, including Mermish, Troll, Centaurian and so many others! So I think those lovely and cute Centaurs won't bug us... Oh, and what better than to ride on unicorns?

**NARRATOR**

Pink fluffy unicorns, dancing on rainbows~

**HARRY**

Oh god. Hermione, save me.

**MARY-SUE**

Uh-uh! Her name's 'Mi'!

**MI**

Oh god, I can hardly save myself.

**NARRATOR**

And so, their first dinner ended as Dumbledore dismissed them with a twinkling in his eye. This was going to be fun-his self-proclaimed granddaughter, huh? Await the next chapter-Harry's date. And of course, Ron gets smitten and-what, a horrible nickname? _Oh, I just can't wait._

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__Please review! :D

Or I will not update! Joking, joking~ :D

Shontelle J. Wright


	5. MarySue disappears

_**Author's Ramblings:** _Yay, this story got a favourite! This is awesome! :D Sorry I took so long! I was kinda wondering why I dragged it so long. If you hadn't noticed, this story has got some real-life cliches :D Okay, that was weird... I should start on a proper fanfiction!

**DISCLAIMER:** No, I don't own Harry Potter or any of the Twilight/My immortal references. :D Thank you very much.

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_**[SCENE 3-A HORRIBLY MESSED-UP...NO WAY.]**_

_[lights on]_

_MARY-SUE is sitting at the common room, the whole series of Harry Potter books at her feet. HARRY, HERMI-uh, MI and RON are at the far corner of the common room, huddled together. _

**MARY-SUE**

Mehhh, let's see... Goblet of Fire? Maybe not. It seems a little too boring. And besides, I'm supposed to make Harry fall for me. _[shoots a pointed glance towards the trio]_ Let's see... Prisoner of Azkaban? I doubt that clock chain will fit around three people, unless Mi gets away... how about Order of Phoenix? Sounds good. And he's being distrusted, perhaps that's the perfect time to gain... Ah, yes. Then I shall make us Fifth Years!

_Ron's hair gets shorter, Mi's hair grows a little longer and Harry grows a little taller. There are some changes made to their physical appearances._

**RON**

What-what is this?

**MI**

I believe - to some extent- that we've been turned into Fifth-years.

**HARRY**

But, but we're still- fourth years!

**MI **_[grimly]_

Not anymore, I think.

**RON**

She's coming over.

**MARY-SUE**

Hey guys. And Mi. Oh, shouldn't we be all angsty right now, misunderstood Harry?

**HARRY**

What?

_[he suddenly convulses for a moment before screaming in a high pitched voice]_

ZOMGGG!111! I AM SO ANGSTY BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS SO BE MY FRIENDSSSSS! WHY! WHY DON'T THEY TRUST MEEEE!1111oneoneone!

**RON**

Bloody hell.

**MARY-SUE**

I think it's too much. *inserts random spell*

**HARRY **_[convulses again before regaining composure]_

So you all think that-that I'm a nasty liar, don't you!

**MI**

No, of course not, Harry. I just told Lavender to shut her trap.

**RON**

Yeah, and I told Seamus the same too.

_HARRY walks away. MARY-SUE sighs._

**MARY-SUE**

Oh, wrong, wrong, wrong! Wrong scene! Harrykins! Wait up for me!

**MI**

Harrykins?

**RON**

Watch out, 'Mi'.

**MARY-SUE**

Now, now. Mi, IckyRonnikins, don't get all upset!

**ICKYRONNIKINS**

What...? Blimey, Fred and George are never going to let me forget.

**MARY-SUE**

Oh! I'm going to find Harry. Have fun!

_[lights down, to only a spotlight around HARRY and LUNA]_

**HARRY**

This is horrible. Even worse than Voldemort. Sigh. Luna?

**LUNA**

Oh hey, Harry Potter.

_LUNA is feeding the thestrals._

**HARRY**

These... things, you can see them too.

**LUNA**

They're called thestrals. They're quite gentle, really. People just avoid them because they're...

**HARRY**

Different.

_HARRY stares at LUNA, who simply rummages in her bag for another apple. _

**HARRY**

So-

**MARY-SUE **_[pops out from nowhere]_

HARRY! MY DEAR HARRYKINS WHERE ARE YOU!

**HARRY**

What-?

**MARY-SUE **_[pushes LUNA away]_

Harry! I just figured a way to kill Voldemort-oh wait, that's not until the sixth book. But anyway-form the DA right now! We have no time to waste-the main plot must come! The readers have been badgering for-

**LUNA**

That was rude of you. Oh well, goodbye Harry.

_LUNA exits the scene, while HARRY is busy trying to get away from MARY-SUE._

**MARY-SUE**

Argh, Harry, won't you please come with me? We're going to Madam Puddifoot's Teashop right now!

**HARRY**

Wait-what?

**MARY-SUE**

Today is conveniently my birthday, 31 July! Let's go celebrate my birthday!

**HARRY**

But, last I checked, it was only-

**MARY-SUE**

Let's go now! Harry, c'mon, why aren't you smitten with me already? !

**HARRY**

Wait, wha-

_[pauses, then suddenly standing up straighter than ever]_

Let's go, my dear.

**MARY-SUE**

Oh yes, oh yes! _[fawning]_

Hey, but shouldn't I be all tough and-whatever, let's just get this bloke over to Madam Puddifoot's.

_HARRY and MARY-SUE marched out of scene. _

_-SCENE CHANGE: GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM-_

_RON and HERMIONE walk in, HERMIONE plopping on a sofa. RON is standing awkwardly, a thick book in his hands. HERMIONE sighs, then snatches it from his hands before sitting again and patting the seat next to her. RON takes the seat._

**HERMIONE**

Don't you get it?

**RON**

Uh...

**HERMIONE**

Look, it seems all a little too... convenient. The effects of a Mary-Sue contaminated story-here it is! 'A Mary-Sue contaminated story will often lead to character changes without the character himself even noticing. There tends to be many hook-up implications and...' blah, but Ron, look, we're aware of these character changes and all-it does seem a little suspicious, doesn't it? It's an exact opposite of-of how we're acting now! A character named Mary-Sue turns to us and-

_RON kisses HERMIONE full on the lips for a few minutes. He conveniently throws the book on the floor._

**RON **_[after releasing her]_

You think too much, Hermione.

_[pauses]_

Ah, we've gotten our names back.

**HERMIONE**

This...this isn't you at all! Wait, what did I just say? There's something wrong here, no doubt. Where's that narrator guy anyway?

**NARRATOR**

Ah, you called me? Anyway, this is something to be reckoned with. Let me point out a few character changes-Ron is getting calm and odder, surprising Hermione with his kiss. Normally, Ron might have been flustered, not to mention the extra-

**HERMIONE**

I only asked where you went. Not a full ten page thesis on the analysis of the situation (though it might be useful). Oh, this just seems to be too much of a coincidence. I only mentioned how the change of character was-but, oh. I'm going to the library.

**RON**

As expected. What she does about _SPEW_ all day long.

**HERMIONE **_[flustered]_

H-hey! I haven't been working on it for quite some time now! I was just going to research more on Mary-Sues! Anyway, house-elves still deserve their rights. It's unfair that they are being ill-treated! Besides-

**RON**

Gosh, I just gave you a kiss! _The_ kiss that kept people waiting for, what, six books?

**HERMIONE **_[blushing]_

But the situation at hand is more pressing, Ron! Won't you see that-

**RON**

What is bloody hell wrong with you!

**HERMIONE**

Nothing! Ron, that just shows how-

**RON**

_Your_ emotional range is that of a teaspoon!

**NARRATOR**

Will Ron and Hermione be able to...uh... 'reunite' after their quarrel? _[sarcastic] _OMG! A cliffy!

_[pauses]_

Sorry, couldn't resist.

**HERMIONE**

Oh look, Ron. When will you stop acting like a five year-old and-

_[convulses for a moment before her voice turns sultry]_

And turn to be a _man_? _[winks]_ Tonight, in the Room of Requirement.

_HERMIONE struts away, not before blowing a kiss to RON. RON is stupefied. _

_[Scene change]_

_Meanwhile, MARY-SUE is saving a lot of lives and also going on a date with HARRY._

**MARY-SUE**

Don't kill yourself! _[shoots a spell at a lady]_ And you, too! Hey!

**HARRY**

My dear, leave the world-saving matter to me.

**MARY-SUE**

Oh, sorry, Harry. Would you wait while I escape into a plot hole for a moment to get some 'character development'?

**HARRY**

That sounds like something that _I_ should not let you risk.

**MARY-SUE**

Oh, Harry! The next thing we need is Voldemort to come out, spewing all those muggle Shakespearean language. 'sacatforyou!

**HARRY**

Oh, my dear, you cannot allow your weak tongue to over exhaust itself.

_[convulses again, before regaining his original personality]_

Whoa, that was...

**MARY-SUE **_[snapping her fingers]_

Ginny! Please appear all sad and unhappy and weeping! And while you're at that, do beg me for Harry Potter!

_GINNY appears out of nowhere, upset and crying. She kneels at MARY-SUE's feet._

**GINNY**_[__sobbing]_

Mary-Sue, I do love Harry so much, won't you just-?

**MARY-SUE**

Oh, I can tell. And I will be sympathetic. I mean, you and Harry are a... horrible match, next to me and him, of course! The fans have been asking so much. But Harry, I love you so much, Harry, Harrykins! How could I, but Ginny will be a better match for you. Despite the blunt fact that I have a better figure than her, am smarter by a thousand times, more powerful, destined to kill Voldemort! Oh Ginny, take him. Take him!

**HARRY**

Y'know, I'm still here. And I was never your possession.

**MARY-SUE**

Oh, Harry! I know, goodbyes are always so bittersweet! Oh, let us kiss in front of Ginny tactlessly as a reminder that you will always love me!

_As if by magnetic attraction, HARRY is pulled towards MARY-SUE, even as he tries to tug on a chair or a table. They kiss._

**MARY-SUE**

See, Ginny! See! He will forever love me, but I will not rub it in your pathetic face! Goodbye!

_At this point in time, GINNY grabs the jar of Logic from under her robes and throws it at MARY-SUE._

**MARY-SUE**

It... it burns! Oh no! No! Don't reduce me into a pile of glittering ashes like-like Bella and-and Edward-no!

_MARY-SUE is hereby reduced into a pile of glittering ashes. RON and HERMIONE step into the scene._

**RON**

That was a nightmare...

**HERMIONE**

Yes, that certainly was. _[shudder]_ I can't believe the existence of such a foul... being.

**HARRY**

Thank you, Ginny. You saved our lives.

**GINNY**

Oh, that was nothing.

**NARRATOR**

Before you all leave, there's someone who is waiting to see all of you. She's in the Room of Requirement. Now, I'll take my leave. You'd better not miss her. She's the crux of this whole... plaything.

_All the characters glance at each other. _

_[Lights down]_

* * *

__Oh ho ho! Who might that be? Will be uploading a few bonus chapters later on:

1. Mary-Sue's sob story, Sorting.

2. Extra cutscenes that never really made it to be published!

3. Hohoho :D -next chapter-

Shontelle J. Wright

Please review!


	6. Truth?

_**Author's Rantings:** _Oh dear, I seem to have gone overboard XD

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter! :D**_

* * *

_**[SCENE 4- TRUTH?]**_

_The characters (HARRY, GINNY, HERMIONE and RON) enter the Room of Requirement. The NARRATOR locks the door behind them._

**RON**

I guess the narrator won't be here to narrate everything, will she?

**HERMIONE**

Shush, Ron! Can't you _hear_ something from back there?

**GINNY**

Look!

_A young girl rises from the ruins of the room, stands magnificently (looking powerful in the sudden dramatic lighting), before tripping over an apple._

_[Lights on]_

**AUTHOR**

HEY! WHO PUT THAT APPLE-Oh hey.

**NARRATOR **_[muffled voice]_

And so arrives our main character-oh wait, the mastermind. In her cranky outfit and deranged looking hair-

**AUTHOR**

I CAN HEAR YOU. IT'S FLUFFY, NOT DERANGED.

**HARRY**

So... You... are...?

**AUTHOR**

Author of this whole thing, duh! Well, hello, Harry, Ginny, Hermione and Ron!

**HERMIONE**

An author... wait, this-

**AUTHOR**

-Doesn't require a trip to the library. Settle down, and I'll tell you everything.

_The group hesitate, before sitting down before the AUTHOR._

**AUTHOR**

Well, Hermione might have somewhat figured out. This _is_ a story. And you guys are characters in it! You're _not real_. Wait! Listen! This is _fanfiction_! I'm just writing all of you into a story. And you might have realised it, you're actually in a Mary-Sue Parody-story! It's a story with a Mary-Sue alright, but-

**HERMIONE**

-The story was created solely for the joy of mocking a Mary-Sue, because the author wished it to be! This would be a trolling effect, hence-

**AUTHOR**

See? Do you get it? I wrote a Mary-Sue in for the fun of it! I wrote it up and I wrote all of you in! It was actually all _part of the plan!_

**HARRY**

That means that you control everything that we do, right?

**AUTHOR**

Yes...

**HARRY**

So you're actually controlling my speech-

**AUTHOR**

Oh. Yes, I am.

**HARRY**

So whatever I'm saying right now, even these few words... They're all _part of your plan?_

**AUTHOR**

That...

_[pauses]_

Well, it seems like I'm talking to myself all along.

But... Don't you see? If I weave you all-

**RON**

That means that you actually changed all of our names too? Wait, what? So we're not speaking by ourselves now?

**AUTHOR**

No, you're not. I only mean that... hey. I didn't write that! I didn't write for you to say all that!

_There is a long pause._

**AUTHOR**

You... you said something you weren't supposed to say! This rarely happens in the fanfiction world! You guys are just... just figments of imagination! Hey!

You actually-

_The AUTHOR glomps RON._

**AUTHOR**

This is so COOL! I mean, look, in the fanfiction world, nothing is real! Nothing ever comes alive! No character has a say at all! THIS IS FANTASTIC. THIS IS AMAZING.

**HERMIONE**

... So... just back to the topic, you could exhibit me in a barney suit if you felt up-

_HERMIONE is in a hideous barney suit, with pink fluffy ponies and rainbows drifting around her head._

**HERMIONE**

I get it. Couldn't you do something about this suit...

_[The suit vanishes]_

Which also meant that the Mary-Sue was never there?

**AUTHOR**

Yeah.

**HERMIONE**

So what was the point of this story anyway?

**AUTHOR**

It was a different viewpoint, I suppose. Like, how people looked at Mary-Sues? Stop it, Hermy! Stop it!

**HERMY**

Oh, so I'm _Hermy_, now, am I?

**GINNY**

Author? I think you need to leave.

**AUTHOR**

But, why? I mean, I'm not- vanishing.

**GINNY**

Your... powers and... privileges can't hide us any longer. I think Professor Dumbledore is coming for us, especially Harry.

**AUTHOR**

I thought Dumbledore was gone in the- _[gasps]_ You guys are still in your fourth year!

**RON**

Yes... of course we are!

**HARRY**

What did you mean by "Dumbledore was gone in the-"?

_The AUTHOR laughs, claps twice, and vanishes._

_The door unlocks to reveal Professor Dumbledore, with a twinkling in his eye. The NARRATOR has vanished as well. The group stare at each other._

_[Lights down]_

* * *

__Yours,

Shontelle J. Wright


End file.
